Thousand Yard Stare

Slipping out the door after my fourth 13+ hour shift, without a real break in between, scarfing down a piece of pizza here, my Starbucks caramel machiatto and Rockstar, a few walnuts and candies there. So ready for some time off, to rejuvenate and recuperate after this particularly stressful stretch. The patients are a blur, the rooms they occupied a revolving door. At one point I stand in one spot and survey the emergency room, and I notice after a particular rush of patients has ebbed away, almost everyone has that thousand yard stare; going through the motions; their personalities, energy, and sometimes compassion sucked dry by the demands of doctors, patients, coworkers, themselves, their hidden worries about their families at home. The call lights continue, the orders keep coming, and the waiting room queue only gets longer. The panicky feeling rises higher and higher, the feeling that I'm losing control, that I'm getting further and further behind. I haven't peed since this morning, but there are so many things that need to be done, he needs pain medications, this person needs labs drawn, the 1 year old baby is crying in room 1, and my provider wants to know what the status is on the patient in the other room, and family members are asking for water, and it continues, as one minute clicks into the next, and I just do my best to keep up with the chaos. I try to be in the moment, this patient has been waiting an hour and a half to be seen; my mind flashes to the time I had to wait that long to be seen, the anxiety and frustration, the impatience. What are they doing in there? Why is it taking them so long to come see me? I look them in the eye, introduce myself, and thank them for their patience. They are my focus now, and I sit and listen, and try to my best to make them feel better. It's rewarding, so rewarding and so utterly draining. Lying here in bed, wondering what time my 2 year old will wake up in the morning, and wondering if I'll have the energy to focus on him, to give him the attention he demands and deserves.

Yet on my days off, I can't help but wonder what's going on at the hospital, what I'm missing out on...